While Dave billboards the night’s program, an audience member interrupts to ask a question.
Audience guy: “Excuse me! Did you just say Julia Roberts was on the show tonight?”
Dave: “Yes, Julia Roberts.”
Audience guy (disappointed): “Not Doris Roberts?”
Dave: “No, not Doris Roberts . . . Julia Roberts.”
Audience guy: (unzips sweater to reveal his Doris Roberts T-shirt) – “Aw, I came all the way here for nothing. I’m outta here!”
He then runs out the back of the theater.

The New York City Police Department was put up surveillance camera throughout the city in order to keep an “eye in the sky” on any possible misdeeds by its citizens. Dave has a pal down at the department who offered us a hook-up to the surveillance cameras. In return, I think Dave gave him a few LATE SHOW T-shirts. We take a look from one of the NYC Police Department surveillance cameras.
We see a simple street scene with the camera centered on a corner fruit stand in front of a deli. Nothing much is happening. It’s like this probably all day long. Nothing happening, just people going about their everyday busi . . . hold it . . . . what’s that? We see a guy take a cantaloupe from the fruit stand . . . . and shove it down his pants! We just witnessed a crime! Please, if you know this guy, contact the authorities! And if you now this guy, don’t touch his fruit salad!

LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: From a recent “Live with Regis and Kelly” program, perhaps this morning. We see Regis and Kelly standing over a man with a hairy back. We see the will gent getting his back waxed. My favorite part immediately following the hair-pull, Regis exclaims, “Judge Judy is next.”

NYPD SURVEILLANCE CAMERA #2: We take another look. Now we see a parked car on city a street. Not much is happening . . . . until a pedestrian with a baseball bat smash the front windshield of the parked car for no reason. What the? . . . . and get this . . . the pedestrian? Rupert Jee. If you know the whereabouts of said Rupert Jee, please contact the authorities. And if you know Rupert Jee, don’t touch his fruit salad.

“GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES” – We see FDR’s “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” speech. We see JFK’s “Ask not what your country can do for you” speech. We see Bush’s “If you don’t like what we tell you to believe in, we’ll kill you” speech.

REJECTED FDA PRODUCTS: Not everything created in the food and drug labs across the country makes it to our store shelves. It first has to get approval from the FDA. We have some items that did not meet its approval.
- Bird’s Eye Monkey Pot Pie - Gently-used Irish Spring - Windex-icles – ice pops made of windex. - Emeral Lagasse’s Restaurant Table Scraps - Styrofoam Peanut Cheetos - Wolf Blitzer’s Own – Olive Oil & Beard Trimmings - Gerber’s 5-Alarm Chili - Ambien with BBQ Sauce - Kellogg’s Individually Wrapped Rice Krispies --- I think that one was Snap. - Perdue Feet & Beaks - Oreo’s “Just Stuff” – only the white filling. How that didn’t get past the FDA is beyond me. That stuff looks like a winner. I’d buy it. - New York City Rat Jerky

NYPD SURVEILLANCE CAMERA #3: We see a nice young couple sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful weather. Suddenly the gentleman notices something approaching off camera. He and the woman run off in fright. We then see what frightened them so . . . . . it’s a huge gigantic rat. Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

TOP TEN: Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying a 104-Year-Old Woman – a 33-year-old man in Malaysia married a 104-year-old woman. Dave mutters, “Who knew Joan Rivers lived in Malaysia?”
Dave continues, “The man said, ‘Mutual respect and friendship had turned to love.’” Gee, when you put it like that, it sounds nice.
- Questions to ask yourself before marrying a 104-year-old woman:
#10. “Will I get along with her parents?”
#6. “Do I mind that her ex is Orville Wright?”
#4. “Would I be better off marrying two 52-year-olds?”

JULIA ROBERTS: Dave and Julia haven’t seen each other in nearly 3 years. What’s happened since then? Julia’s had twins; Phinnaeus and Hazel. Dave likes the name Hazel; he has an Aunt Hazel. And she just received a birthday present from her husband . . . . it’s either a very late birthday present or a very early birthday present. Her birthday’s in October. What she get? Cool-looking Cowboy boots. She lifts her pants to display her new kicks. And one boot has “H” for Hazel and “F” for Finn, short for Phinnaeus. (When I was young, I had the letters “L” and “R” on my boots.) Julia and the family spend time in New York and California, and also have a ranch in New Mexico. Not too long ago while looking out her ranch window she saw an ostrich! One doesn’t usually see an ostrich in New Mexico. It turned out it wasn’t actually an ostrich, it was an emu. One doesn’t usually see an emu in New Mexico either.
Where does one usually see an emu?
Answer: In a crossword puzzle. It’s a flightless bird.
Dave shows a sweet photo from “In Style” magazine of Julia with her mom. Dave’s mom was also in the issue. Leafing through the magazine, Dave finally finds it. It’s Dave’s mom . . . . with Jay Leno!? Dave explains he must have been out of town the day of the shoot. Strange.
Julia is in the middle of making her Broadway debut in the play “Three Days of Rain” at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theater at 242 West 45th Street. She’ll be appearing through June 18th and select seats are still available, so order now and select your seat. Julia points out that Oprah made a trip all the way from Chicago to attend Julia’s opening night. Dave? “8 blocks away?” Oprah made the long trip because, as Dave puts it, “that’s the type of person she is.” And while Dave backpedals, Julia follows with, “Have you gotten married yet . . . to Harry’s mom?” Dave explains, “The paperwork is still at the courthouse.” I think there was a problem with the Notary.
Probably the embosser was broke.
Julia Roberts – catch her in “Three Days of Rain.” Only a few weeks left.

ACT 5: It’s time for the ‘Classic Late Show Top Ten Entry.’
This one takes us all the way back to October 29, 2002 when a movie ticket cost 9 bucks and the President was George W. Bush. Remember this classic Late Show Top Ten entry: “240 women sharing a shower? What is this --- Vassar?”
This has been the ‘Classic Late Show Top Ten Entry.’
Peace out, homies.

PEARL JAM: From their self-titled CD, Pearl Jam performed “Life Wasted.”
Dave’s introduction: “Our next guests are a great rock and roll band and longtime favorites around here. This is their new eponymous album. Please welcome back, Pearl Jam.”

And what does ‘eponymous’ mean?
From the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language

– “giving one’s name to something, as a city, country, era, or institution” . . . . or album.

And then Pearl Jam played for another hour.

And that was our show for Thursday May 4, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Saturday is the 132nd running of the KENTUCKY DERBY at Churchill Downs. Right now, 20 are in the field; Letterman’s Humor is not among them.

1. Jazil: 30-1
2. Steppenwolfer: 30-1
3. Keyed Entry: 30-1
4. Sinister Minister: 12-1
5. Point Determined: 12-1
6. Showing Up: 20-1
7. Bob and John: 12-1
8. Barbaro at 4-1
9. Sharp Humor: 20-1
10. A.P. Warrior: 15-1
11. Sweetnorthernsaint: 10-1
12. Private Vow: 50-1
13. Bluegrass Cat: 30-1
14. Deputy Glitters: 50-1
15. Seaside Retreat: 50-1
16. Cause to Believe: 50-1
17. Lawyer Ron at 4-1
18. Brother Derek at 3-1
19. Storm Treasure: 50-1
20. Flashy Bull: 50-1

Next I bet on the names of the horses that jump out at me. $10 on ‘Bob and John’ at 12-1. My two older brothers are named Bob and John.
$10 on “Showing Up” at 20-1. I always liked Woody Allen’s line, “80% of success is just showing up.” I looked up the quote on Google to get it right and after minute’s search, I saw the quote was either “80% of success is just showing up” or 80% of life is just showing up.” (the percentage changes depending on the article.) I was happy to then see this about “Showing Up”: “Gretchen Jackson named the colt after the Woody Allen line about ‘80 percent of success is just showing up.’ Wow! I may go $15 on “Showing Up.”
And my final $20 will go on the horse I research to win. After 20 minutes of intense investigation, I’ve decided to go with . . . . .Sweetnorthernsaint.
To recaps:
$10 on 5-3.
$10 on Bob and John.
$10 on Showing Up.
$20 on Sweetnorthernsaint.
You can take it to the bank . . . . but be sure to bring along a withdrawal slip, just in case.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. It is not Mexico’s Independence Day. See how many of your friends and colleagues make the mistake. You can correct them but they won’t believe you.
From a website:

The 5th of May is not Mexican Independence Day. Mexico declared its independence from mother Spain on midnight, the 15th of September, 1810.
Cinco de Mayo? 4,000 Mexican soldiers smashed the French and a traitor Mexican army of 8,000 at Puebla, Mexico, 100 miles east of Mexico City on the morning of May 5, 1862.

And speaking of Mexico . . . back in my college days, I had the nickname “Tequila.” My first night away from home I had a bit too much of the stuff. People in the dorm said the next day, “Did you see that guy Mike?” Most answered they didn’t know Mike. That was followed with, “You know, the guy drinking the tequila . . . .” That was met with, “Oh yeah, that guy!” I didn’t have tequila again during my entire 4 years in college. . . . but the name stuck. And that’s college. And then I received this e-mail from an old college friend the other day. It explains a lot about why I leaned on the tequila back in August of 1976, well before it was fashionable to drink stuff. The e-mail is a fake commercial touting the benefits of tequila, though it worked for me quite well 30 years ago.

“Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.”